Below are the 2 most recent journal entries recorded in dutifulderelict's LiveJournal:

Friday, July 23rd, 2004
9:54 pm	Quaking steps I bought software, I paid my fees and now I am a student of the Graduate Diploma of Information Design at the Christchurch Polytech Institute of Technology. Or is that the Christchurch Polytech Institute of Tautology? Forty one year old student, still keeping up this beginner thing. And keeping right on with the theme, here is something I have discovered about being a beginner, a new thing that is. Like a tourist in a strange city you see things that may or may not be interesting/instructive/entertaining etc, but whatever those things may be, they are all possibilities. There is no prejudice to cloud your initial view. Ooh! Look at that! What's that thing? Where does that path lead? What's around the corner? And because you don't know any of these things there is no reason to suppose they can't be done or experienced in some way. One of the best stories I heard about a band in New Zealand that became seminal punk outfit The Suburban Reptiles, was that they heard thirty seconds of Anarchy in the UK on National Radio of all things (read: staid, conservative public broadcaster) so they decided this was the sort of music they were going to play and came up with their own version. If they'd had the record in their mitts perhaps they would have been tempted to reproduce that sound. Instead they had an aural image which they arranged to suit themselves. That to me is the punk spirit. Having barely coped with any sort of schooling, even poxy old drama school (don't think I wrote a formal word the whole time) it's going to be interesting actually taking part in this virtual classroom. Being basically poor and working fulltime in a factory doing the lowest work there, I don't have time to go to a real classroom. The Grad Diploma programme (www.technicalcommunicationcourses.com) is delivered online so I have the opportunity to find whatever working method suits me best. I'm not over my sadness yet, but at the risk of sounding flippant, life goes on and each day is new. Flippant, no that's downright perky! What the hell is wrong with me? Wasn't so perky at five this morning when I was freezing my arse off and weeping over The Truth About Cats and Dogs - yes! What do I hope to do with this Diploma once I finish it? Get the hell out of the factory for starters! It's not too stinky really, and at least outrageous behaviour as a way of letting off steam, or just plain self-expression is the accepted norm. Where I work guys indulge in little choruses: animal noises, groans, bizarre stock phrases, intonations, incantations and idiosyncratic signature noises. For example one guy calls out encouragement to a long dead greyhound he part-owned. Another sings one line of a song he has written (though perhaps not actually written down), quacks, moos, baas, clucks, it's all in there, mate. Funny how normal it seems now. When I first started working there I was looking for the hidden cameras. Rehearsal tomorrow for the benefit show. A bit scared, but looking forward to do it. Current Mood: Glum (Comment on this)
Thursday, July 22nd, 2004
11:12 pm	That's the way it goes; it goes that way To begin at the ending: Call it intuition or just a bad idea at the wrong time, but I decided to ask my lover how she saw our relationship on Tuesday night. I asked her if she was happy. She said she wasn't unhappy. After that it just got more obvious if that's possible. We hadn't spent much time together lately, she said. She'd been sick, I'd had the 'flu. She was enjoying her time alone. She was feeling bad for my sake that her sexuality had 'dried up'. She was even wondering if she should 'give me my freedom'. Who needs a programme to tell that player? Game over. One - nil. Here's the history then. We met on the 'net. A dating site based in New Zealand. I was recently seperated, she had decided her unreliable long-distance lover was never going to give her what she needed. We had written once before and forgotten what we'd written, but now the interest was there, the right frame of mind, the desire to find a lover, someone to love. In one email she suggested I call by a stand she was giving time to at a Mind, Body and Spirit Expo. I did and we hit it off straight away. Three days later, no shrinking violet me, I asked her out and we went out on Saturday night. International Date Night. The conversation was great, the movie was a hoot and the wonderful bar with 25 000 bottles of wine on the wall was the perfect ending. Neither of us wanted to go home, but sleep was appraoching. Next morning I rang and asked her out again... and it all started. A long day, some enterprising guys who built a large hut on the beach and the impulsive plan to spend the night together in that same hut. Ever so slightly mad considering I started work at six a.m. the next day, but that's how these things go. That's the way it went. Then came the announcement that she has cancer. Has had it for some time. Six years. Had surgery. Went into remission. But now, four years later, new tumours. I spent all the next day thinking about what that could mean, going through all the scenarios and I decided if she still wanted me I wanted to be there. It was bliss, exactly what we both needed and all was well until her health began to take a big dip. One thing after another started happening. Hospital visits turned into stays. One little discolouration turned into a new cause for concern. The most amazing lovemaking went west without a postcard. It had a great final note, though neither of us knew it at the time. The setting was a rocky outcrop, high above Akaroa Harbour on a dramatically changeable late autumn afternoon. Then after her ex-lover shied away from our idea of performing a benefit concert to raise funds for her to go to an Ian Gawler course in Australia, I offered to do one instead. I used to be an actor, I had a script. At time of writing the show hasn't happened, but we're well into preparations. A theatre's booked, I have a director and an accompanist. And then the miracle happened. Her oncologist, alarmed at tumour growth booked her in for radiotherapy. Without it, he said, the time remaining would dwindle radically. She went to an advanced course in Pranic Healing just before the radiation started, and a mystery bunch of flowers appeared from nowhere. And a huge tumour, golf-ball sized and discoloured, just faded away. No side affects from the radiation. A general feeling of health, happiness and well-being. Energy. Presence of a miracle, no doubt. I had a firm conviction this was not a sickness to death; that she would recover. And there was the start. It just keeps getting better, I thought. With the show and Australia coming up, her family coming to visit from far-flung corners, it was just looking great. So to now. At my barest, this is it: I don't want anyone else. I want her to want me. Get out of my head, Cheap Trick! Oh Rick Neilson you are in trouble now! But I am not going to stay where I am not wanted. I was with someone for 17 years. We had children. The last two years of that one were excruciating. I could feel the resentment and the despite groooooowwwing. I'm not going through that again. Beloved friend, I hope. Loyal supporter, I am. Sad, sad, sad, sad, dressing gown clad tired man. Sometimes that's just the way it goes. Current Mood: sad (Comment on this)